The (He)Art of Conversation
Came across the following quote in my online travels today:
“Past hurts cause us to protect our hearts. Future happiness depends on our recognition (and breaking down) of the walls that we put up around us.”
It’s a bit of a paraphrase because my computer froze up and when I re-booted I couldn’t find the advertisement again…but I digress. The quote stood out to me because it reminded me of on ongoing “conversation” I have with my husband about the nature of relationships, or more specifically communication in intimate relationships.
I chide him from time to time about how he will sometimes “glaze over” if I’m talking about something I’m excited about and I’m just chattering away. But, on the other hand if someone, like a friend or acquaintance, was chatting away about the same thing, he’d be fully engaged and interactive with them.
His take is that relationships between spouses or partners are very different than casual or other familial relationships and therefore fraught with so much baggage and history that conversation is bound to be somewhat less engaging than it is with other people.
My take is that it is precisely because there is so much baggage and history, that the conversation needs to make extra effort to stay engaged and interactive – even when it’s annoying or uncomfortable. Why? Well, serendipitously, as I was pondering this question, I came across a great blog post by a woman named Marnie, aka NellaLouise, of the excellent blog Smiling Buddha Cabaret. Her blog post discusses real conversation versus ‘talk’.
“Once fear and ego are addressed a conversation is possible. Once we realize that vulnerability is not a weakness to be disguised by aggression, silence, nonchalance or all the other fronts we put up, then meaning can happen.
Real conversation brings resolution. It’s not always pleasant nor does it always end with smiles. Sometimes the conversation first needs to be about being heard. Sometimes the conversation has to be about endings as much as beginnings. Sometimes it has to be about pain rather than pleasure. But it always leads to clarification and furthers understanding.
Converstion is far more intimate than talk. It comes and goes from the heart.”
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Tags: Couples Communication, relationship conversation, Relationship Repair9 Comments
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[...] The second lesson was from my wife and it too has to do with communication. But, instead of recounting it here, I’ll let you read her much more eloquent words for yourself on her own blog, BizMommy.com The (He)Art of Conversation. [...]
Tisha, from the foot of Mount Fuji, thanks for your thoughtful post on an important topic. Thanks also for the Marnie quote, “real conversation brings resolution.” Your post is very timely – communication and conversation is exactly what we have been reviewing here together over the past week. Can you imagine what happens when you add cross-cultural styles and misunderstandings to the already difficult mix that arises in interpersonal communication? And Japanese communication (or should I say non-communication?) styles can be particularly challenging, even for a foreigner (me) who considers herself empathic and adaptable. I agree with you that when there is much past history between two people it is critical to make, as you say, that extra effort to stay engaged and interactive. Communication in all its forms, including conversation, needs to remain vibrant and in the present. We stop listening or “glaze over” when we think we have already heard it all, or when we think we know everything about a person, or when we react from past patterns. But in the present moment everything is new and fresh, including the person you are communicating with. By fully engaging in the actual moment you give your attention to what the other person is saying, to what you are saying, and to the dynamics of the conversation as it is happening. Conversation then becomes fluid and responsive – it is alive – even when it is uncomfortable or annoying. Being aware and alert to all the nuances in the moment opens the doorway to responding in ways that can lead to resolution and healing. Greetings on this rainy morning in Japan – Catrien Ross.
H Tisha, A dislike for the “nodding politely, smiling and giving lip service” type of communication, when loved ones are involved, is definitely a pet peeve of mine. I don’t like it because it’s dismissive and we shouldn’t have to be exposed to that vibe when speaking with the people that we care about. I suppose that it’s acceptable for social occasions with acquaintances, but even then, it is altogether uninspiring. Yet it happens.
We do it for expediency. We do it because we are distracted. But mostly, I think that we do it unintentionally. As you mentioned, the kind of intimacy that exists for long-time couples is filled with the baggage and history. Because of this intimacy, or perceived “knowing” of what our partner is trying to say, we want to jump to the end of the story, while dismissing the middle. This, of course, leads to confusion and misunderstandings. Sometimes the hurt over not having been listened to far outweighs the importance of whatever was being discussed.
Staying connected is hard work, and I think that it’s unrealistic to expect our partners to always be on top of their intimacy game. Sometimes, we just want to watch the game, and talk about it tomorrow. Ray
Greetings again Catrien! So glad you stopped by for “tea”
,
It’s interesting that my husband (who has a degree in Japanese language and has lived there in the past), has often told me about the “non-communication” or politeness inherent in Japanese culture. So I do appreciate that there should be an understanding of differing communication styles, but I agree with you that when we “engage in the actual moment and give our attention to what the other person is saying” conversation indeed becomes “alive” and is how we can begin to show each other true respect and open up new opportunities for understanding and healing.
Thanks for adding your wonderful perspective…I look forward to our chats!
Welcome Ray! Glad to have another perspective from the other side
,
I absolutely do understand that sometimes it’s about the basic psychological differences between men and women and just wanting to “watch the game and talk about it tomorrow.” My issue, however, is to not have those times be the case with the majority of our interactions with one another. I suspect that if we make the effort to push pass the immediate need for “expediency” in our relationships, slow down and really listen…to all the pain, frustration AND chattering joy…we might eventually just start finding those conversations more interesting and enjoyable. And then we can go watch the game…together!
Thanks for stopping by – I hope you will do so often and share your thoughts. I appreciate the conversation.
Hi Tisha.
You express a possibility here; ” if I had to choose between “talking” to someone where I’m nodding politely, smiling and giving lip service or engaging in a full-on, honest connection with another person – defenses down and all – well, I say bring it on!”
Yes bring it on BUT this kind of dialogue is not only NOT easy, but impossible as we have not been taught how and thus have no skills.
I for one until recently in spite of my psychology training had never been taught how. THAT is what is the key here, I do not thnk we are skiled in tis type of honest connection. What to do with all these feelings the other person expresses? Is it my fault, am I being responsible to deal with them, how do I fix it?
Then in another scenario with the aim of talking things through; I was left with “how do I do that in this adversarial world where we go for either right or wrong and feeling stuck on how to find an agreement with all these conflicting view points.
I think we are not trained in dealing with what comes up in these connected talks, so most of us do not go there.
We also have no role models in our personal lives to actually have shown us the possibility of conversations, their importance and value, mostly what we see is that they do not go anywhere.
Having realized all this, I could see where my glazing over etc came from, it was a habitual way of communicating I needed to break by learning new skills.
Working hard on communicating was not enough, I needed to know WHAT to work hard on.
Love Wilma
Tisha,
I couldn’t agree with your post more. I must confess as a male that I am very prone to “glazing” over when speaking with my girlfriend and soon to be fiance. Communication is something I am always struggling to work on. While it seems second nature to women, it is not that way with most men. Men speak for facts. Women speaks for relationship. But, because true communication is vitally important to a healthy relationship, I always have to be on watch for myself. I’d much rather have an honest connection than a polite smile. Sometimes I wish it wasn’t such hard work – but then again, it wouldn’t be appreciated if it was easy.
I must confess that sometimes communication perplexes me. I’m never sure when I’m supposed to listen or to offer a response or to do both. Somehow I seem to get caught in the middle – and that is not good standing ground when you are having an exchange! I just wish communication was a bit more intuitive.
I really like this blog! I’ve subscribed to it and look forward to future posts.
Thomas
Thomas Griffin´s last blog ..Vocal Health: Eating Healthy Foods
Wilma – I agree that we are generally ill-equipped for the kind of change in communication that is crucial for the growth of a healthy relationship; but awareness of a thing is the first step, right? Knowing that we need to work on what we don’t know how to do is at least a start…and hopefully the desire for that knowledge will lead us successfully through the trenches of the learning process.
Thanks for adding your viewpoint to the conversation. I’m glad you’re here and I hope you’ll visit again! Btw, I think your blog is awesome!
Hi Thomas! Welcome…always glad to meet a fellow singer! You’re right in saying that men speak in “facts” and women speak more from a place of emotion. Just being aware of that bit of information is really important for both sides to start recognizing that the disconnect in conversations sometimes is not personal, just basic biological differences. And yes, it can be perplexing, frustrating, etc., but as you suggest, anything worth having…
Thanks for stopping by, I really appreciate your comments. I look forward to continued conversation…and maybe even a song or two!
Take care.